Nous venons auditer votre planète

« Take me to your leader », like in a sci-fi cartoon or something, but it didn’t go like that at all actually.

The prep talk before final approach went something like: “So, let’s go through the main points of the enquiry again”

“Well, you were flagged to us when it was noticed that you were ejecting your trash into communal universal territory, which we should remind you is a serious offence. Orbiting satellites are permitted, but any refuse must be dealt with appropriately, which precludes jettisoning it away, since your “away” ends up in someone else’s back garden.

After this initial report, it was decided that in terms of risk analysis, a planetary organisation which was operating in that way should be investigated further. The preliminary analysis has been carried out remotely, and we are here now in person to share our findings and hypotheses. We expect to have fruitful exchanges with you once you have grasped the bigger picture, and to depart having agreed on and finalised a solid remedial action plan.

The main items which will need to be focussed on are as follows:

1. Which species and/or organisations are showing holistic dyslogica
2. Planetary destruction trend line
3. Systemic audit & planetary risks assessment
4. Reminder of strict enforcement of prohibition of inter planetary colonisation
5. Galactic trash removal & prevention of further occurrences

As far as we have been able to understand, it seems like a proportion of only one species on your planet has developed an activity which is modifying the fragile systemic equilibrium of your planet. We have not been able to ascertain what is the aim of this, but we must remind you that whatever negative outcome may result, you are not permitted to colonise another planet, and if need be force will be used to prevent you from attempting to do so.

We have undertaken modelling of the modifications being done of the atmosphere of your planet, and the negative impacts on many various forms of life are extremely high. If this is accidental, we must urgently look into the causes in order to stop, and if at all possible reverse this process. If we believe this process to be intentional, then we may be forced to assign the responsible species to the Universal Biocourt of Arbitration.

The audit & risk assessment show that some species on your planet appear to be burning up resources, upsetting the biobalance of the planet which in turn is both eradicating thousands of other species and rendering their existence more uncoupled from the immediate environment. We can share case studies from other planets with you which illustrate that this is almost always symptomatic of holistic dyslogica, or a failure to grasp the underlying principles of a planetary biosystem.

That’s why we’re underlining the fact that any attempt to colonise another planet, if the one you currently inhabit goes into acute systemic failure, will be stopped. On the other hand, if you show us good will – by stopping your ejection of refuse into universal common space – and a better grasp of the big picture of the way your planet’s biosystem works – and the damage that is being done to its’ inhabitants – then the remedial action plan that we are asking you to draw up, will probably be deemed acceptable.

Please understand that this is a unique opportunity for your species to make great progress in the comprehension of the systemic operating of your planet, and we expect you to take advantage of our time, our external point of view, accompanied by case studies from other planets, to modify the current trend to ensure that damages and bioextinctions cease.

We welcome this encounter, and look forward to working constructively with the different species which may be concerned, towards a more stable equilibrium within your biosphere.

Ok, that’s the diplomatic version well delivered! Are you ready to audit the shit out of this planet?

It actually started like this:

“Hi, we’re from universal auditing, we’re here to help you…”